"Life is a rollercoaster from the mind of a Thirteen year old"

Today my daughter, my lil angel wanted to read me something she wrote in school. She said she was just sitting in class , picked up her pen and the words just came out..   I wanted to share it with my friends and fans...

I act like I am not afraid of anything.
I say that words dont hurt me even though they do.
I act like everything rolls off my back even when it doesnt.
I always think I am not good enough for this crazy world.
Life is a rollercoaster that never stops..
I hate when I think about growing up.
I never want that rollercoaster to end or at least I want it to go slower..
LIFE IS FLYING BY BEFORE I EVEN GET TO LIVE IT....

As I heard her read these words I was hit with a couple of emotions... I was sad that she thinks shes not good enough for this world....that she affraid of growing up, that she thinks her life is passing her by.. I was very sad to hear my lil girl say these things but I was soooo proud of her for having the ability to.. I was so happy that she is able to put her thoughts and fears on paper, that she was able to share them with me....I was also very happy that she realizes that life is flying by and we need to get busy living it... I just hope she will understand that each day , each moment is life ...and we have a chance to be apart of each and every second of it if we choose....  That is my job as her dad.. my job is to show her that we cant wait for life we have to go get it... I am so proud of her... she wanted me to post this on my blog becuase she realizes how important it is to share your thoughts and feelings with others , you never know who you may help...

I love you Sammy... This beautiful rollercoaster called life loves you too...HOLD ON TIGHT...

Thanks for reading...

Mike and Sammy

Be careful what you pray for.....

"Be careful what you pray for"... This is something I have been hearing since day one of my recovery... I understood it from jump street..  Basically watch what you wish for because when you get it you may regret it...whatever "it" may be....IT may suck ass....IT may take your car...IT may give you a burning sensation in your groin....IT may make you work 15 hours a day to maintain... IT may use way too much gas....IT may bang your best friend.... I get it...With this understanding I have never prayed for anything specific such as a job , girl, family, car ...etc....I have always prayed to be OK with whatever is happening in my life.. I have always prayed for hope and understanding...

I have recently been feeling a LITTLE lonely .. not LONELY LONELY....just a little lonely... I went as far as to post it on my Facebook... Just saying that something has been tugging at me for a few days now and I think its the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in so long.. I have been HAPPILY single for a long ass time but recently I have once again felt the need or want to have someone special in my life... I will NEVER pray for this to happen....once again I ask my HP to help me be OK with whatever happens in my day to day....  A few very sweet friends/fans/fellowship members have left comments on my Facebook status saying they will pray for me to find someone... NOOOOOOOOOO....please don't pray for me to find anyone...  Its one thing to watch what I pray for but I don't want to have to worry about what YOU are praying FOR ME to find ....Will you be there when IT takes my phone..reads my text messages and flushes my phone down the toilet because she thinks I'm fooling around? or when IT makes me change my damn Facebook profile pic to me and IT kissing?  no....you will be off praying for your pain in the ass to go away....  Thank you for the loving gesture but I'm good..  If I put myself out there IT will come ...and I will know weather IT gets to stay or not....

So I guess I am praying that people don't pray for me....LOL

Much Love
Mike

Angry Serenity Prayer....

Little comedy show clip... This is the prayer I say when I really aint prayin for ya.. Its kinda like when someone says "I'll pray for you" or "some are sicker than others so we should pray for them"... I always tell those assfaces that if you REALLY TRULY plan on praying for someone because you feel they need Gods help then JUST FRIGGIN PRAY n SHUT UP... When someone says "I'll pray for you" they are pretty much telling you to go F yourself but trying to make themselves look like the better one.. Its like saying "I am so Humble" ..

Enjoy

The Slogan Slapper

Video Blog..."Holy Slogans Batman...pt1"

I expect you to have no expectations....Huh

One of the fellowships meditations for July 29th speaks about expectations...  Very ironic because as I read the title "EXPECTATIONS"  I EXPECT to get something out of the meditation....

My first few years of recovery were spent walking a VERY VERY RIGID line.. There was no room for error on my part and I certainly wasn't allowing you to make your own errors..  I believed if you didn't go to 15 meetings a week, have 5 group level commitments , carry the message in to facilities than you just weren't recovering.....You must not want this ...  I would spend hours shouting at you in the diner parking lot...Hours shouting at you over the phone....Hours shouting at you after a meeting.... BLAH BLAH BLAH....  My buddy use to say " let people be people" ...I had no frigging idea how to do that .. Until I needed some slack in my life...When I was unable to live up to the expectations I had set for everyone else, when I couldn't maintain 15 meetings a week, when I needed a break....that's when I realized I needed to lay off everyone.. If I want people to give me some slack then I was going to have to give it to them first...  but even then..even when I was giving slack I was expecting it in return...  I was forgiving in order to be forgiven...NOT THE RIGHT REASONS.... I needed to give in order to just give... I needed to let people live and enjoy life the way they see fit.. and not expect them to let me do the same..   just do it because its the right way to be.... Don't judge because its an unhealthy behavior not because you dont want to be judged  ..  Have you ever heard people say "People who matter don't judge and people who judge don't matter"?  That statement is equally judgmental if not worse because they believe they are the good ones.. Judging those who judge.... I was one of those people ...spewing the words of my buddy "Let people be people" while demanding you let me be me..  I just have to be me, I have to be true to myself and when that happens I tend to allow others to be themselves.. even if they don't like me... even if they don't let me be me... I live for me and I don't require anyone to allow me to be me anymore....and I don't dare stop others from being true to themselves....

I no longer forgive in order to be forgiven ... I forgive because its easier on ME....I am extreeeeemly selfish

Thanks for checkin us out

Mike G

Video Blog....."Fellowship Policing of Facebook Groups..STOP and SHUSH UP"

Just remember this.. I love you guys...even if we dont agree I still love you.....

Today is a good day.. My Birthday Meditation....JFT July 23rd

What a coincidence that this mediation was on my birthday.. Self-Will... PERFECT... Every July 23rd I read the same frigging meditation and I think ...Yea mike you are being kinda selfish.....HELLO.....Its my BIRTHDAY for Christ sakes , cant I be a little selfish...

That pretty much sums up my life. When I was active I was always at odds with EVERYONE around me.. holy shit...I was very good at getting what I wanted.. sometimes, actually most of the time I didn't even realize I was being manipulative...I just wanted what I wanted and needed what I needed.. My fears and insecurities didnt allow me to worry about others...   And now..17 years later.. I have at least one ex that will say NOTHING CHANGED....She was crazy... I mean , of course the planet spins just for me.. DUH
I sometimes struggle with Self Will , especially when I was in a relationship.. The mediation talks about having someone to do our bidding for us... She was like "you are soo soo selfish" and I was like " I will work on it NEXT July 23rd..."  I like to stick to the topic of the day and tomorrow is about Masks...Dont wanna veer from the literature .... HaHaHaHa (Devilish laugh)

Balance is the key....Sometimes I am sooo even keel and sometimes not so much... When I am on point , I am there for myself and the people close to me.. When I am disconnected even just a little , things go astray.. I am chasing a dream.... this dream requires sacrifice .. I sacrifice time with my children, time with my friends and time that would be spent with that special someone.. I choose not to put a special someone in my life because I know they would deserve my time and I cant give it right now... It would be unfair to ask someone new to accept those limitation.... When I am not centered , when I am not plugged in and balanced I become needy .. I start to desire finding that special someone but I know its not the right time...I am usually OK with it but not when I am not plugged in...  My kids, friends and fellowship need me and I need them...when I spread myself somewhat evenly I usually feel great... and that's when I usually make the biggest strides in my life and career...

I love at the end of every meditation the literature gives us two ways to go... One is so dark and disastrous and one is the obvious choice...  You can either  SELL YOU KIDS FOR CRACK....or Go to a noontime meeting.... Hummm let me see....

GOD .. me...the fellowship and then my kids.. thats the order of my life , when I remember it my life is pretty simple...

Thanks for reading....

Mike G

Video Blog.... "Not a very uplifting meditation"

A daily meditation from one of the many fellowships..."Thought of the Day"

"If we feel the need of saying something to put another member on the right track, we should try to say it with understanding and sympathy, not with a critical attitude"


I wish I had that Tattooed on my forehead when I was new....


Stop yelling at me god damn it.... I wasn't given a soft fluffy message although I would have preferred that... I shared at a meeting when I had about 6 months and got my ass chewed out ...I said "I was feeling like shit, it wasn't getting easier...I was kind of miserable and you guys said it would get easier" .... the old timer said " WE NEVER TOLD YOU IT WOULD GET EASIER....WE SAID IT WOULD GET BETTER ....AND IT HAS...SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP WHINING." I wanted to throw up...I think I might have farted a lil....  And because I was man handled when I was new I in turn yelled at you... if you weren't living the way I was living or doing it the way I was doing it I would let you know in the most unloving way I could...the problem was I really thought I was yelling out of love but the truth was I was yelling out of fear.. I couldn't imagine people living and enjoying life any other way than the way I was....I was soooo afraid of using , I finally found something that was working in my life and I didn't want anything to influence me.. it was all fear driven no love at all..  A few years down the road when I couldn't even live up to my own standards I began to change.. as I changed my approach to the program my understanding of it changed as well.. I realized that my job is to lead by example, to share my experience strength and hope...If I live and let live all will be well....


Now get your asses to a meeting and call your sponsor ... don't make me yell at you again....


Much Love


Mike G

"Nightmares into Dreams ...back into Nightmares"...

Be careful what you dream for , you just may get it..  

When I did my first step my sponsor asked me to write a list of 10 things I wanted from recovery... I had no ability to dream big.. I put three things down...first I wanted my family to forgive me, second I wanted a girlfriend  third I wanted a career.... the other seven were STAY CLEAN.....I just reworded STAY CLEAN...  He told me that I would look back on this list in amazement , that I will surpass all my dreams...  He was right..

My nightmare became a dream.... I found a girl, we had kids...I found a career in sales and I was good at it..  then my ex drove me crazy and my kids don't ever stop asking for shit... "hey dad can we get some juice and crackers ... Daaaaad....can we get some juice and crackers.....I know you are pooping in the bathroom but can we have some juice and crackers...."    GO AWAY......Didn't I give you Juice yesterday?  why are you always thirsty?  "Dad...can I have 20 dollars to get you a Christmas gift?" 20 bucks? what kind of cheap ass gift you getting me? you know what daddy wants for Xmas?  20 frigging bucks , now go away.....slowly the dream was turning back into a nightmare... we break up.... maybe the dream is coming back? she gives me full custody of the kids....NIGHTMARE AGAIN....  the career was going great till I realized in order to be a great salesman you need the ability to shut up even when things aggravate you....I'm not good at that....If a customer says something stupid I have a hard time letting it slip on by.... Now I'm getting in trouble for making people laugh at the customers expense....this sucks...or does it... NEW DREAM.... screw selling shit, I am gonna make fun of people for a living...I am gonna make people laugh in a setting that doesn't get me in trouble .. I'm gonna be a stand-up comedian...This dream kinda sucks sometimes too but I've learned that the simple act of following a dream is a dream...the joy is in the journey ...but I  Still have the kids making this journey kinda crowded and LOUD...Sell them on EBay.... Cant do that....ok fine...I love my kids, there I said it.....I guess they can stay and be part of the new dream...

Thanks for being a part of my dream

Mike

JFT.. "Using Dreams that use using as dreams of using" huh?

Today's Meditation starts out...

"The room is dark, forehead is bathed in cold sweat....your heart is racing..."  DAMN... if all that is happening then I am ACTUALLY using NOT dreaming...

Most people wake up thinking they just blew their clean time , NOT me... I get pissed that I woke up at all.. I try to fall back to sleep and hope I pick up my dream where we left off.. In my dream I am a successful superstar addict.. I use to get scared of using dreams now I sleep ALLLL the time hoping to have one.. I read drug addict stories in the back of the book but I stop when the recovery starts so I can have a better chance of having a drug dream..  I have been clean for 17 years and there are so many new things out there that I never had a chance to do. In my dreams I drink a ton of Zimas and Mikes Hard....I usually wake up after a gallon of Padron which sounds like the coolest alcohol out there....I want to be a rapper every time I hear the word Padron....and in my dreams I am .. I am a padron drinking rapper that spends most of the time in the bathroom smoking crack all alone ... that last part is there to keep me rooted in reality.. I end up in the bathroom alone and lonely.... But when I wake up I am truly grateful for my life... My life is sweet just the way it is.. I love being me...

Ok ....Let me get back to sleep.. MC Mikey Gee and the Padrons are due back stage in 10minutes.. Goodnight

Thanks for letting me share

Mike G

JFT....Amends.. SORRY

Today's meditation spoke about our complete self-centeredness in active addiction.  I like that in this reading we acknowledge that quote un quote Normal people suffer from Self-Centeredness as well , we just take it to another level... I was aware that I was hurting the people close to me but I really didn't have time to worry about it.. The guilt of that pain added to my pain and bottom. I couldn't live with myself anymore. I knew I was gonna keep adding to the list of shit I did wrong but I didn't want to..   When I stopped using allot of the things I did to others stopped as well.. My close family just wanted me to be safe and happy , that was my amends to them. Some amends are still owed to ex girlfriends that I did wrong. It hard to make those so I don't do the same action to anyone in my life today, this is a way for me to make an amends..

The meditation also went on to talk about how sharing the things that make life worth living such as Love, laughter, excitement and caring.. these things are better shared with people you love and we must not hurt the ones we love.. if we do we need to make amends.. I kinda felt like that was a 10th step action.. My 4th step shouldn't fill up again if I am truly working this program. The 10th was perfectly placed right there after all my house cleaning was complete .. I could then use the 10th to KEEP it clean...   I have made a few mistakes in recovery , some of them I dealt with right away and a couple need attending but I'm not gonna wait to fill up another 4th .. that is crazy...   I try to PROMPTLY admit.....

Thanks for letting me share

Mike

P.S. there all not gonna be funny... just read and enjoy.... Love ya

JFT....July 14....Looks normal to meeee

I remember when I had about 7 years I worked for a full blown addict...He used every day in the car when I would get out.. He would smoke crack on the weekends and Monday morning be ready for the week.. I thought he was NORMAL because he was able to maintain a life and use all day long... It was told to me like this... My idea of "Normal" is way messed up.. I started saying "Normal" is in the eye of the beholder... its hard for me to judge normal when I was willing to sell a limb for another hit....

Heres another video.. hope you are enjoying the Blog.... Much Love

JFT...Video Meditation... Humility... thats right I am super Humble..

Video JFT...7/12.. Waiting for what I want right NOW...in other words PATIENCE

JFT... Video Blog...

JFT.... Negative Attitudes

How ironic is it that the first letters in the words Negative Attitudes are N A....hummmm...

Its my job as a older member of the program to lead by example. I should speak positive even if the negative tone around me is so aggravating that I want to address it . Addressing it is JUST as negative , I learn to lead by example. I listen to the negativity and I remember when I sounded and acted just as negative. Its not easy speaking and acting positive when almost every thought is negative. I try not to feed into my negative thinking by fueling it with negative actions or talking out of my ass.. It another case of "act as if" or "fake it till ya make it."

Todays meditation said "ask yourself..is what I have to say important and to the solution?" If everyone answered that honestly there wouldn't be a lot of sharing, it will be a real quiet meeting.. If I am honest with myself its hard to share when I know it has no purpose.. after years of practice I know when I am sharing bullshit , when I am sharing just to impress a girl that I never seen before.. I have a hard time raising my hand when I know I am full of it...as for the negative thoughts its been a long long time since my mind has been able to get bogged down in negativity..

Another question todays meditation asks "am I just talking to hear myself talk?" and the answer is AbsoFUKINlutely... hopefully you guys get something out of it as well...

Thanks for letting me share

Mike

JFT.... July 9th.... Old Myth

This is an easy one.... Once and addict always and addict , thats what they use to say..

My father is a retired Corrections Officer who lived by that rule his entire life until and addict was living under his roof.. His opinion of addicts didn't change right away, in fact he told me big deal, I shouldn't be using in the first place.. When I was just about to celebrate 9 months he sat me down and asked me for a favor.. He said his buddy at work had a brother that was struggling with addiction. He asked if I could bring some of those pamphlets and books I have been reading... He has never said that he is proud of me for being clean in my entire 17 years but that said it all..

I always joke around by saying.. He knows one thing , the program has changed ONE addict for sure because every time he picks up his remote control there is actually a T.V. that comes on .. and thats all that matters to him...

Thanks for letting me share

Mike G

JFT... the "G" word.... not "G" Spot..

The "G" word which makes some people just as confused as the infamous "G" spot.. I have to be honest here, neither "G" bothered me...although the "G" word is sometimes harder to find then the "G" spot... I'm sure women will disagree with me on that one but I have seen many many a man struggle to find a "G" that works for them...

When I got clean I was way too desperate to pay attention to all the mumbo jumbo you guys were spewing.. I just wanted to stay clean.. I passed over the 2nd with a minimal of concern and thought I turned over my life to an HP of my understanding.. I really didn't pay much attention to the God details, I just wanted to stop doing what I was doing..and I did..

Growing up the "C" word , going to "C" school and being and alter boy...I decided that God wasnt for me.. I was already going to hell so screw that guy.. The program really drove home the idea of Higher Power of my choice so I chose the Program as my HP.. and every time we said GOD I thought PROGRAM and no one told me I was wrong so I ran with it... And it worked.. I think the more we talk about the "G" word as a taboo topic the more we make it a taboo topic.. lets just shut up and talk about what works for us then the newcomer can listen and choose for themselves..

Heres when I decided I was done with GOD and I was totally ok with the fact that I was going to hell... I was 13 and the priest and nuns told the boys that if we "touched" ourselves , you know what I mean by "touched" right? if we had HAPPY TIME with our lil guy that we would go straight to hell...they also said if we had "Impure" thoughts we would spend the after life burning.. JUST FOR THINKING impure thoughts... THINKING!!! I was FUCKED.. I had an "Impure" thought every 15 seconds followed by hours of HAPPY TIME with me and the lil guy.... I pictured myself standing on line at the pearly gates and St. Peter walking the line stops at me , turns and starts laughing his ass off..."YOU THINK YOU"RE COMING IN TO HEAVEN?" HAHAHAHA...."You are having an IMPURE thought RIGHT NOW Michael"... I know St. Peter but that angels ass is killing me....

Oh well , thank GOD for the program .. I get to experience Heaven on Earth...

Thank for letting me share

Mike G

JFT.....July 7th...Messy Messenger

Today Meditation brings me back to early recovery when I wanted to control every one's recovery. I wanted EVERYONE to do it like I do it.. God forbid you find your own way, God forbid you live and enjoy life the way you see fit.. NO...I am in control ... I carry the message and the message is HOPE GOD DAMN IT and you need to listen to me.. My good buddy J.T. use to stop me from rambling on and on with these 4 simple words.."Let People Be People"..  The more I learned about me and the stronger my relationship grew with my HP the more I was able to do just that..  I was able to allow EVERYONE  in recovery to find their own way, develop their own belief.. I was able to SEE the program working in their lives because THEY accepted it.. I would sometimes use the excuse of PASSIONATE or CONVICTION to disguise my CONTROL and JUDGEMENTAL  tendencies. I learned that everyone has to answer to themselves.. The message is hope and we all are proof that it works.. Everyone of us made the decision to stay, we made the decision to believe and to allow the program to work in our lives... No one made it for us....so why do I believe I can make it for someone else?

I believe the message is much stronger than the messenger. I have never been a fan of circuit speakers , I've never been a fan of flying someone in to speak.. paying their way so they can deliver a message that we already poses..Granted some deliver the message so much better than others but EVERY area has great messengers and as long as the message is full of love and hope we are golden...  I mean the guy who rambles on about the fact that playing with his cat brings him much needed serenity. or the woman who talks to a candy wrapper cause her father use to eat snickers bars may not be the best Main speakers but they make for excellent entertainment..

I will try to pay attention to the power behind the message and  recognize the GOD in others..."Damn your GOD is loud and kind of obnoxious sometimes."

Thanks for letting me share..
Mike G

JFT Meditation....July 6th

In my first few years of recovery I would identify with every J.F.T. meditation. It seemed like I was ALWAYS struggling with Isolation on Feb. 6th and Mar. 15th. June 22nd would come around and I would once again have  a problem with acceptance and EVERY Oct. 22nd would bring the loud voice of my addiction shouting in my head again. I use to look ahead so I knew what I was going to be challenged with the following week. Its not like that anymore. I identify in a different way, I don't have to be in the middle of isolation to understand the importance of people.

Today's meditation spoke about amends. As for active addiction most of those were dealt with already. During my 17 years here I have accumulated a few more and out of those maybe one or two still need attention. As the meditation reads, if you are not ready to PAY it back then don't bother saying sorry..so I checked my wallet and  yet again I am broke...Hopefully by next July 6th I will be able to follow this meditation to the T...

I'm a firm believer that saying you're sorry is SORRY if you know  you are going to do it again and again. I had to do some work on myself to insure that those behaviors were out of my life before I could say "I'm Sorry". If I eat the last piece of Reese's Peanut Butter Cake before my kids were able to have a piece I will NOT apologize.  Even though their feelings are hurt and they are extremely disappointed I wont say SORRY because I know I am going to eat it EVERY TIME but I will apologize for rubbing it in, that was wrong and I am sorry..

Thanks for letting me share..

Mike G

Can You Freebase a Burrito? A True Story by Joe Fernandes

Whenever my friends and I sit and talk about addiction, the conversation is almost never about drugs. It may start with drugs, but usually finds its way into how messed up we all are without them. After being clean for over a decade, sometimes, drugs seem so far away. However, addiction continues to wreak havoc in all our lives. I was told when I first got clean that drugs were just a symptom of my problem. That addiction will manifest itself in my life in so many ways. I figured that it would be in relationships, friendships, and such. But I never thought addiction would get me again... in the form of "The Grilled Stuffed Burrito" from Taco Bell.

It was a typical day at work. The clock was moving slow, boss was in a bad mood, and I was hung over from 2 nights of staying up late feeling sorry for myself. That's usually my addictions first attack... get me feeling sorry for myself, and I will surely begin thoughts that will sabotage my life. It keeps me tired and very obedient to negative desires. I decide that a little lunch will do me good, and I head out to the local Taco Bell. I see a sign for the "All New Grilled Stuffed Burrito - A large, warm, soft, flour tortilla wrapped around seasoned ground beef, hearty beans, seasoned rice, a blend of three cheeses - cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella, creamy Pepper Jack sauce, and Fiesta Salsa, then grilled to perfection. (You can also upgrade this item with marinated and grilled all-white-meat chicken or authentic carne asada steak.)" I put the actual description to illustrate what sold me. Even writing this makes me salivate.

When I held this warm burrito that was grilled to perfection, I knew it was going to be great. When I took the first bite, I had the same thought that I had when I did my first line of cocaine, "Where have you been all my life?” There are no words to describe how delicious this was. How comforting it made me feel. I no longer felt sorry for myself, the day no longer dragged... I was full... and I felt good... real good... too good.

For the next 2 weeks I ate the burrito everyday at lunch. I changed it up a little, sometimes with hot sauce, sometimes with chicken or steak. Every combination, better than the next. Can I find a way to make this even better, more pure? Can I freebase a burrito? I was hooked, and I had no idea. One day my boss asked me what I was doing for lunch and I told him that I was going to get a burrito. He said, "Joe, I've noticed you have been eating that burrito a lot lately." I could only respond the way an addict in true denial does, "I'm alright, I got it under control."

Another week of daily burrito consumption went by. The only outward sign of this affecting my life was the massive accumulation of hours I was wasting in the bathroom. There was only two explanations for this... either the daily doses of burritos, or the onslaught of Dysentery. Thankfully, I was living alone at the time, and had to explain myself to no one. My downward spiral was on, addiction had me in its clutches, and I chose to ignore all negative signs.

A few days later I found myself on the road for a TV shoot and hours away from any hook ups for my current "food of choice". I wasn't panicked because I knew this was a national chain. I asked the guy I was working for if he knew where I could find any. He said that he didn't think there was any in the area. From that moment on obsession grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Knowing that there weren't any in the area, made my cravings for one all the more strong. I would have compromised myself at that moment, just to smell one... or know that one was near. I franticly found a computer and Googled it. I found one 30 minutes away. Can I drive 30 minutes and make it back in time for our shoot? I had to try. I printed out the directions and left without telling anyone. I was in full addict mode on the way to his fix.

Any addict will tell you, that the act of going to get your stuff is always the best part. The anticipation is exhilarating. You run through all the scenarios of how great it will be once you get it. Will I get chicken, beef, or steak? Hot or mild sauce? Should I not get a drink so I could savor the flavor for hours? I was insane. I was speeding and looking out for police so I didn't get pulled over. I had not one second to give if I wanted to get back in time. Then, on my left, in the distance, I saw the purple sign with the big yellow Bell. I even turned down my radio for full concentration. My stomach started moving and growling in anticipation of the greasy goodness that was about to be had. As I approached I saw a no left turn sign and that the u-turn was a quarter mile up the road. I couldn't risk it so I pulled a screeching left, cutting off a car and found myself in the drive thru window. I ordered my burrito and pulled into the back corner of the parking lot. As I unwrapped, I noticed that it was not grilled. Not Grilled! But that's what makes it so great! That was the difference between that and lesser burritos on the menu. I was furious! But, I couldn't go argue with them to get another. It was lunch time and busy. I would have been late for the shoot. I looked at myself in the rearview mirror. As I was about to say to myself... 'Do you believe this?'... I paused. I looked at myself, and for the first time had a moment of clarity. I saw it all clear...and I was ashamed. I figured I would take a few breaths and calm down. I would eat this burrito and then stop... for good. As I placed this big, fat, greasy, devil in my mouth I started to cry. I couldn't even bite it. I looked to my left and saw a family staring at me. There I was, a young man with years of recovery from drugs, shamefully weeping in his car, with a burrito in his mouth. The woman asked me, "Is everything ok?”Without even taking the burrito out of my mouth I said, "I don't know." She quickly got her family away from me. I shamefully ate the burrito, and got back to my shoot in time.

When I got home that night I started to get honest with my sponsor about what I’ve been up to. We talked about the power of addiction and in all the ways in can affect us. I am proud to say that I went a whole year without the grilled stuffed burrito. My sponsor said it was unnecessary for me to give it up totally. It wasn't the burrito that was the problem. I just came to it in a vulnerable time in my life and that went out of control. He knew I was in a better frame of mind now. I decided to go get one and see what happened. Though I wanted one, when I got there, I felt like it was an old relationship that hurt me. Even though it wasn't the burritos fault, I thought it was best I stay away. I decided to look forward with my life, try something new. 

I went for the "Spicy Chicken Burrito - A warm, soft, flour tortilla wrapped around shredded chicken that has been slow simmered in authentic Mexican spices, seasoned rice, creamy Jalapeño sauce, and Fiesta Salsa." It sounded good... real good... too good. So, I did what any addict with clarity does when confronted with that strong an urge and doesn't know what to do... I got the hell out of there.