My first few years of recovery were spent walking a VERY VERY RIGID line.. There was no room for error on my part and I certainly wasn't allowing you to make your own errors.. I believed if you didn't go to 15 meetings a week, have 5 group level commitments , carry the message in to facilities than you just weren't recovering.....You must not want this ... I would spend hours shouting at you in the diner parking lot...Hours shouting at you over the phone....Hours shouting at you after a meeting.... BLAH BLAH BLAH.... My buddy use to say " let people be people" ...I had no frigging idea how to do that .. Until I needed some slack in my life...When I was unable to live up to the expectations I had set for everyone else, when I couldn't maintain 15 meetings a week, when I needed a break....that's when I realized I needed to lay off everyone.. If I want people to give me some slack then I was going to have to give it to them first... but even then..even when I was giving slack I was expecting it in return... I was forgiving in order to be forgiven...NOT THE RIGHT REASONS.... I needed to give in order to just give... I needed to let people live and enjoy life the way they see fit.. and not expect them to let me do the same.. just do it because its the right way to be.... Don't judge because its an unhealthy behavior not because you dont want to be judged .. Have you ever heard people say "People who matter don't judge and people who judge don't matter"? That statement is equally judgmental if not worse because they believe they are the good ones.. Judging those who judge.... I was one of those people ...spewing the words of my buddy "Let people be people" while demanding you let me be me.. I just have to be me, I have to be true to myself and when that happens I tend to allow others to be themselves.. even if they don't like me... even if they don't let me be me... I live for me and I don't require anyone to allow me to be me anymore....and I don't dare stop others from being true to themselves....
I no longer forgive in order to be forgiven ... I forgive because its easier on ME....I am extreeeeemly selfish
Thanks for checkin us out
Mike G
just what i needed to read right now, figures. i learned in psychology that children think egocentrically, that everyone in the world thinks and behaves exactly as they would. so therefore, if i started using when i was 12 and stopped growing then, i'm technically an overgrown child trying to act like an adult in "normal society". my sponsor told me when i was on step 10 that i place unrealistic expectations on the people i care about, and now that i read this i'm realizing it's not always out of love and care but more out of anger, resentment, needing to control.. all that stuff boils down to fear.
ReplyDeletegood stuff mike! i know you keep asking people to post feedback...
Thanks for reading and commenting Kaitlyn...I appreciate the love sweetie...
ReplyDeleteYou made several Very Good points, Mike! It sure is easier to get off everyone else's back and just take care of myself. It's just a waste of energy to try and control other folks. I've got all I can do to keep myself in line, and I don't do a good job of that most days...LOL!
ReplyDeleteHugs from Asia!